I may have gone too far...

Sometimes I panic. A lot. That's not meant to be contradictory, it doesn't mean that sometimes I often panic or anything, it means that sometimes I panic in large volumes. This isn't something that I know how to handle and I'm going to attempt to explain what happens in my crazy, cracked brain.

I can handle little things and I can handle big things. When there are excesses of things to worry about, though, I can't focus my attention. I worry about all of the things simultaneously and I can't pick through what's happening. My heart begins to race and I can't function properly. I over-analyze just about everything that's happening and everything anyone does affects me personally regardless of intent.

This is not who I am. This is not how I like to act.

In the course of the last week or so, I've been dealing with a massive amount of "little things". Not insignificant things, but things that aren't big issues yet. My parents have stuff they're dealing with and I feel guilty (no reason why I SHOULD feel guilty, but I do). My roommate is moving away soon and he's spending time with some of his co-workers before he leaves. I have been thinking a lot about writing professionally and how I'm not doing it yet so I went to school to talk to career advisers.

And the thing that's been effecting me the most is that one of my best friends is hanging out with a new group of people. She's a fantastic young woman with a bright future. I miss her, and I need somebody around. She's spending time with them and not me. This is the most childish of my "little things" and its the thing that I most want to let go of. I'm not mad at her for spending time with other people, I'm upset that she isn't here sitting with me while I'm upset (that doesn't even make sense and it's true).

The way it works is like this: Each issue feels like a weight on my shoulders. Each issue presses down on me and squeezes my head. If you've ever been stressed out over a test, it's like that but heavier. It's also like when you're startled, just the apex of it when you feel lightheaded, only it lasts for days instead of milli-seconds. I feel confined in my own skin. My heart races and I sweat like I've been running a few miles. I take deep breaths and try to settle down and find my mind only going to the negative aspects of things that are happening. The more negative I feel, the heavier the weight, the faster my heart pumps, the more I sweat, until I feel sick.

The 4th of July is the one Holiday where I feel like a fool. Fireworks make me nervous. While I was asleep last night, I was jerked from sleep by loud explosions and cackles. My heart was racing and I called my friend (who is usually awake til all hours anyway). She answered and explained to me that she was hanging out with her group of friends. With the fireworks putting me on edge and me slipping into worrying about all of the little things, and my jealously that she was with them and not me (I recognize this is bad and it's the whole reason I'm writing this), I overreacted. I texted her a flurry of accusatory things that I had no right to say. She understands that I'm having some anxiety issues, but I over-stepped. I went too far and I offended one of my best friends in the world. My guilt over this is the heaviest weight I've had to deal with this last week and now I need it to stop.

I will be digging up a copy of my DD214 so I can go to the V.A. Hospital to get treated for possible PTSD. This is another layer. It freaks me out that I'm a little bit "crazy". I really need help and support from my friends and family. With the way I've been feeling lately (whether it's true or not) is that many people don't really care about me right now. I know I'm loved by many people, but I'm not feeling it. I feel isolated and alone (similar words but I think they're different enough to work) and all I'm looking for is a sympathetic shoulder from time to time. Just a "it's gonna be alright" or "I'm sorry" or just someone to listen.

I've been focusing on my own issues, I've been panicking over my panic attacks, I've been selfish and rude and unwilling to listen to others. This is me saying that I need help. This is me saying that I don't want to be this way. This is me saying that I can't do this by myself and I'm scared.

Professional Action Plan

So, I'm almost done and I have to create a "Professional Action Plan Summary"

I had no idea what this was but I moved forward with it anyway.

Here's what I ended up writing for that summary.

Field of Dreams is a great movie. Ray had no concept of what it was he was trying to do he just knew that he had to do it. He had a passion, and a voice, telling him to move forward and with that, came the belief that what he was doing had a purpose and that purpose moved him to greatness.

I don’t know what to summarize here. I honestly don’t know what’s expected of me. I don’t work well with plans traditionally. Since my time in The Marine Corps and even before then, I’ve worked well just “winging it” I have to restructure my entire outlook in order to do this kind of thing professionally and it terrifies me. I should be excited to take the next step, to move boldly in a new and exciting profession, instead I find myself on the precipice, too scared to take that fateful step away from the baseball diamond into obscurity.

I don’t know how best to describe my plan, I don’t know how to articulate clearly what I intend, nor has that ever been my strength. My best stories have never come out of planning but out of a passion to get it out of me. Words pour from my brain easily enough, it’s the marketing and selling and packaging that I’m no good at. In a perfect world, I’d scribble my drivel on a piece of paper and hand it to a person far more qualified than myself to market it. I’d be happy sitting in a dark corner with a cup of coffee and a stack of comic books, scrawling out my nonsense for my own eyes, but that kind of jazz doesn’t bring home the bacon.

What I can tell you is that I’m a hard worker. I don’t always do it the right way but I get the work done. I’m trying, and I’m trying hard, to it all correctly and to dot every “I” and cross every “t” but there is just no way I can aptly summarize my plan for profession.

The best I can say is that I’m going to do my thing to the best of my ability. I’m going to ask for help from those that can give it. What follows is a road map, a guideline that shows me some of the key points to look for when I ask for help. I can only hope that those along the way will be as passionate as I am. This collection of my work makes it easier to move past those little white rocks into Iowa.

Obstacles

I had to write a discussion board post for class. This post was on specific obstacles I've found as I've written these last few months. This is me writing honestly. I'm sure it's grammatically incorrect and there's probably many spelling errors. I don't care. Here's my raw opinion of myself and my writing.

I want to write comics.

Hands down.

It's a medium I love and it's a medium I admire. I'm more than intimidated by the output I see from the authors of comics. I struggle to find stories, and when I do find a story, I'm never 100% confident on where to take it. I see names like Nick Spencer, Joshua Hale Fialkov, Kurtis J. Wiebe and not only the volume of stories they put out, but the quality of those stories and I can't help but be intimidated. Then there are the comics "superstars" names like Brian Michael Bendis, Geoff Johns, Ron Marz. I see them as a standard I can only hope to mirror and admire.

I see myself as a competant writer. I'm not the best, but I can hold my own. I understand story structure and what is needed to make a bad story mediocre, or a good story better. The most difficult thing I have as a writer are my own imposed restrictions and expectations. I don't know where it came from but there's a saying: "You're your own worst critic." and I find that to be more than true.

Any time I get a grade in any of my classes that's lower than a "B" I chastise myself and force myself to be better. Not "try to be better" to actually be better. If I want to be truly successful, I need to set aside my own ego and just write. I can't stand mediocrity (percieved or real) and to perpetuate it is my greatest fear.

I don't want to be the guy who is almost good. I have to be good. I have to be better than good.

And I will be, soon.